Mac Miller & Ariana Grande: A Deep Dive

Authors note: There will be little to no commentary/speculation in this part when referring to Mac, especially in 2018. It will (mostly) just be dates and links. The last thing I’d ever want to do is disrespect Mac or anyone he was involved with, and as a diehard Mac fan who knows every lyric to the Faces mixtape..I promise I won’t be doing that.

I am simply putting everything that is already readily available on the internet into a condensed timeline format, for the sake of documenting one of my favorite rapper’s life and where a lot of his lyrics and musical inspiration was drawn from. If you consider this to be disrespectful in some way then I apologize, and would recommend you simply do not read any further. Thank you.

May his soul rest in peace forever. 🤍🤞

We start with 2016. AKA, Beginnings and Endings.

This is a deep dive into Mac Miller and Ariana Grande’s relationship timeline, but…. it kind of has to be more than that, if you want to get the full picture of what was going on for all involved.

So… if you are coming into this blind, just know that I did an extensive timeline deep dive of Macs 7+ year relationship with his high school girlfriend Nomi Lea (goes by Nomi Leasure).

And this timeline will pick up where that one left off… BUT. I want to do a little background on Mac and Ariana first.

She talked to him on twitter in 2012, and in Paul Cantor’s biography released in January 2022, Mac Miller’s longtime close friend and DJ, who goes by Clockwork, says that in December of 2012, Clock went with Mac to see Ariana in the play she was starring in at the time, Snow White. According to Clockwork, Mac said they were “talking” at the time. They also released a rendition of “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” together on Dec 27, 2012.

Someone tagged me in this video on reddit, its a video of Ariana livestreaming talking to fans when her phone gets some notifications and she visibly gets overwhelmed and excited for a bit but doesnt say anything. Then her phone starts ringing, she picks up and its Mac. She puts him on speaker and he says hi. I am pretty sure this was right around when he first hit her up in 2012, maybe 1-2 weeks, max would be a month, before they did the “Baby it’s cold outside” duet.

and in March of 2013 they collaborated on the song “The Way”, and did a music video where they kissed/made out at the end.

Sidenote: She was in a longterm relationship with Jai Brooks during this time

Apparently, Nomi and Mac (temporarily) broke up around April of 2013, because In this June 2013 interview, he talks about her, saying the following:

You recently got out of a relationship you’d been in for for the duration of your career. Does the angst of that breakup show up on this album?

I met my ex in eighth grade. We were together from the end of junior year till two months ago. I’m in that relationship for four years. When it’s that long, the first two years are one thing, but the second two years shit really gets hard.

April 30 2013: Mac Miller politely shuts down Ariana Grande relationship rumors:

“That’s the homie. She’s got a boyfriend and everything. Obviously, that [kiss] made everyone talk. I didn’t even know that was going to happen and then we were shooting and the director was like ‘This should happen’ and I’m like ‘Alright.’

When I went back to my old school, elementary, middle school, the other day when I was in Pittsburgh, and everyone was freaking out like ‘You kissed Ariana Grande.’ I was like ‘Yeah….you know how I do,’

“She’s a very, very talented singer, like she can sing incredibly. And she’s a great person. She’s one of the nicest just people I’ve ever met in my life.”

But, Nomi and Mac are back together by May of 2013, and she lives in LA with him/near him for the whole summer. From Nomi’s blog:

Read their 7+ year timeline here.

Anyway, so in July of 2013, Mac does an interview where he speaks very highly of Ariana. Some quotes of his:

• When asked how he met Ariana he answers: “Twitter. If you ever interview her… she’ll tell you an awesome story about, like, her label person telling her that she should work with me and her saying, ‘He looks weird.’ But I am weird… she was correct. But she didn’t know that there was a really genuine person [in there].”
• “Shes like the greatest person in the world. Shes like an angel. Shes very nice, shes a sweet girl. She comes over here to make music thats like…weird? So i’ll have her come over here to make weird songs ya know?”

Citing Clockwork again from the January 2022 biography on Mac, he seems to imply that Ari and Jai’s breakup(August 2013) in the months after “The Way” came out was “not a coincidence”.

Although Jai and Ariana broke up in August, Ariana was already dating someone new, Nathan Skyes, in September.

Also in September 2013, Ariana did an interview where, when asked about Mac, she calls him “one of her best friends in the whole world.”

But hahaha umm in October of 2013, Jai writes a longggg message on twitter about how he was cheated on. He directly calls out Nathan Skye in his twitlonger, but he also says “Once you are cheated on you should never go back, and I did because I wasn’t ready to give up on love” implying this isnt the first time he was cheated on by the same person…Heres an excerpt:

Once you are cheated on you should never go back and I did because I wasn’t ready to give up on love and something that was everything to me. I wasn’t ready to give up on something that was causing me to smile and be happy day in and day out. That is why if you know someone who is in a relationship, I’m begging you to please not interfere with that, because you are going to destroy someone and crush their world. Nathan may be a top bloke or a sweet person, but what he did was just completely wrong.

So.

thats a little background on them.

But, we begin here, picking up where we left off in the Nomi & Mac relationship timeline.

We are in January of 2016, and as we saw at the end of the Nomi/Mac deep dive, Mac is still dating Nomi at this time.

So Macs birthday is Jan 19, Nomi posts an (early) birthday post to him here.

and heres an excerpt from her blog on January 25, 2016:

She always woke up tired.

He was elsewhere.

Aggravating her.

Assuming things and blanketing her in decisions that affected her, but were not hers. Everything would work itself out. Sometimes, in lulls, she liked to be dramatic. This was not one of those times. Not caring really was fantastic.

She drummed the keyboard. Grazed her fingers over the keys, and typed just to hear the noise. She loved that noise. Always loved that noise. As a child would test out keyboards at Office Max, just to hear the clicks.

She always wrote, but never edited. And was therefore not a writer. 

January 25 2016

In February theyre still posting and taking pics together. On Valentines Day she posts these, one of them being a really sweet one about soulmates which she captioned “post valentines day words💭” :

In March 2016… She writes about relationships and how shes now committed to being monogamous since February of 2016 here:

…On How to Compromise in a Relationship

With your thoughts on love and relationships, how did you compromise when you settled down? Your post that me and so many others have connected with “What Does Love Have To Do With My Vagina?” makes me want to know whether you still believe in that? Or, at some point did you have to compromise with each other/yourself? – KL

Ah, so I’ve been exposed, have I? I’ve gone against my basic nature and taken the road more committed. To be honest with you things haven’t really been put to the test yet. It’s a recent development, the whole exclusive thing and, well, I’m only about a month or so in. But to the point — yes, inevitably compromise occurs. As much as I’m at odds with monogamy… when there’s only one guy who’s ever been able to give you an orgasm I think you try and see if you can make it work. But no, I haven’t and will not “compromise myself.” Being alone (i.e. without boyfriend) gave me a delicious taste of the magnificence of belonging to no one but yourself. As hard as that can be in a relationship, I’m going to try my damndest.

March 28 

Also in March we get more content of mac and her cat. adorable

April 2016 they still seem to be together all the time, regularly in pics etc.

But I think something went wrong in May. Again.

May 22 2016:

She also posts this selfie on May 22 and the comments seem to know that they just broke up. I think between like May-June they were maybe still trying, or he was, but by end of June it was definitely over.

On June 26 2016, Mac cancels his appearance at Woohah Festival citing personal health reasons.

On June 28, Nomi tweets this about emotional dependence and obsession not being equal to love.

Also, July 7 2016, she writes about being alone:

And taking from Clockwork, Macs longtime friend and DJ, in the 2022 biography on Mac Miller, Clockwork says that in early June 2016, Mac told him Nomi left him, and that he was considering rehab. A month later, he went to rehab in California and Ari went to the rehab numerous times to visit him. So around mid to late June up until maybe the first two weeks of July is a safe guess for when he was in rehab, those programs are usually 2-3 weeks to a month.

On July 14 2016, Mac Miller drops out of a scheduled performance that was the next day, due to health issues:

And July 17 Nomi tweets this:

BUT HOLD ON YALL CUZ UMMM.

Things get weird real fast.

So Ariana Grande has been dating Ricky Alvarez for sometime over a year at this point.

On July 14, 2016 it’s Ricky’s birthday and she posts some love-y/cute pics on snapchat to him:

And the next day she goes to Disneyland with Mac Miller…

Wearing massive visors that apparently helped them hide their identities pretty well according to this article. Also noting here that they got to Disney at 10PM and left at 12:30AM. I am so confused by this. So confused.

She also posts a snap late that night of her dancing to an unreleased Mac song.

And she posts a video of Mac clowning around in the studio that night as well.

Shes giggling at him and it seems like theyre probably making music together

SOoooooo um.

On July 25 2016, Ariana and Mac and a group of friends all play Pokemon Go together outside. (authors note. writing this in 2022, its wild to see people wearing face masks in 2016. like. yall had no idea what was coming. smh😭 crazy.)

And…the next day, on July 26 2016, the media reports that Ariana and Ricky break up.

On July 28 2016 Nomi posts this on her advice column, answering a Q about long term relationships and moving in with a longterm boyfriend. A lot of what she says here seems to be her talking to herself indirectly. Lot of parallels. She emphasizes that your 20s arent about being locked down in a relationship and moving in with a boyfriend at 22 is kind of a waste of your 20s.

Also on July 28, Mac cancels another concert appearance.

On July 29, Mac does an interview with Complex about his upcoming album, The Divine Feminine. When asked how he came up with the concept he says, ““It was actually a concept that was told to me about just the energy of the world being a female energy, the energy of the planet,” Miller said of of the album’s title during his interview with Lowe. “And just kind of like how that mirrors the soul of a woman, and you know, like Mother Earth and falling in love with the universe.”

On August 2 Ariana helps promote his new single, “Dang!” … i couldnt find much on this other than the below excerpt from rapgenius and this tweet:

A week later, Ariana releases a remix of the song ‘Into You’ with a guest verse from Mac Miller. This is on August 6 2016. The above screenshot is from this song’s rapgenius page. As Complex says, the lyrics are.. interesting. Heres Mac’s first few lines:

Baby, this a microphone checkup
What you getting into when you get up?
When I wake up early, I’ma text ya
Heard you got a man
Baby, I could do it better
And it really ain’t the plan
I just want you to remember
How it was, how it is, how it could be

Ariana did have a man when she went on that Disney outing with Mac. And when they were in the studio together making music afterwards.

Which is…probably when this was made, given how short this timeframe is.

Of course Ariana and Ricky maybe had a fight or some shit after all the birthday festivities and cute ‘ily” posts she made to him on July 14, and MAYBE she was single on July 15 but… that seems like a lot of mental gymnastics to try to get to that conclusion so i’m not going to do it. But, you can form your own opinions as always.

The day after the Ariana / Mac song collab comes out, Nomi tweets this (August 7 2016):

I guess Ariana, Mac and Diplo were together in the studio on August 11:

Also, Ariana posts the pic on the left on this night, and Mac posts the pic on the right:

Theyre seen together on a college campus on August 16 2016:

and then August 16.. later at night, they posted snaps at Blue Slide Park – the college above is only about an hour’s drive from Pittsburgh. She also posted clips at his show – he was performing at a fest held at the college that day.

Theyre seen by a fan on August 18…

And then this one i’m not sure, maybe they spend all day together on the 18th and went to the studio at night, but theyre wearing different outfits so IDK. But they were seen at the studio together either on the 18th or the 19th:

Side note. The fact Ariana regulary cut holes in her hats so she could continue wearing ponytails is sending me.LMFAO

ANYWAY

On August 20 2016 Ariana brings Mac out during a performance at the Billboard Hot 100 Festival and they perform The Way together.

August 21 2016, Ariana and Mac go on a dinner date and are photographed kissing for the first time. Well.. the first time that wasnt a music video. That we know of.

(The article is from Aug 23, but Aug 23 2016 was a Tuesday and all the sources for this say it happened “Sunday night”(the 21st).)

Theyre basically glued to the hip at this point if that wasnt obvious…

On August 26 they’re seen leaving a tattoo parlor together and on August 27 they had a day filled with activities, including the Ice Cream Museum when she posted snaps of them, and an immersive experience Ariana frequents called Sleep No More. They went to a club after. this is the source for the aug 27th snaps.

Sometime in the end of August, based on the author talking about the August sun, but the article not being published until Sept 14, he does an interview with Complex. Nomi is actually brought up here. See quotes from the article below:

• ‘”[Moving to] Brooklyn was to be the beginning of that new day, both for Mac and his six-year on-and-off girlfriend, who moved there with him last August. It worked at first. Mac saw Hamilton (“fucking phenomenal”), bought groceries, and walked to coffee every morning. But while he sweetly details this domestic bliss on The Divine Feminine opener “Congratulations”—over sweeping strings, no less— but it didn’t last.”
• “To illustrate the issue, Mac scratches himself like a crack fiend and growls, “Where’s the studio?” He disappeared into music again, sleeping in studios instead of next to the woman he was singing and rapping about, until he began singing and rapping about dating the whole universe in her place. “
• Since music came between you and your ex, do you think it would work better, hypothetically, to be with someone who also makes music for a living? “I treat work and love separately,” Mac says, resolutely, before bending. “But that being part of what you do is amazing. I really enjoy creating music. And creating…love. I tried being this guy who goes around fucking a bunch of girls, but it’s not me. I’m a lover. Sliding into DMs doesn’t sound fun to me.”
• Article also mentions that he left NYC and moved out of that apartment in June 2016 and went back to live in LA.

On August 29 they attend the VMAs together and are suuuuper cuddled up/couple-y. And then they attended an afterparty together where they got a picture taken with her on his lap:

We dont need to document their every move at this point but on September 6 2016 she officially announces theyre dating by posting this on IG of them with the caption “baabyyy”:

On Sept 12 Nomi officially moved out of the Brooklyn apartment they used to share together.

Sept 14, Mac does a Billboard interview about the album, some notable takeways:

• With the speculation and now you releasing this unabashedly romantic record, I think the takeaway may be, “Oh, Mac has found true love and that’s what inspired this record.”
  Mac: “This record is inspired by the world. “My Favorite Part” is one of the last songs that was made.  A lot of it was inspired just by the universe, the story of love, and the emotion of love, how love affects me is different now.”
• Do you believe in the concept of a soul mate and have you found one? Or are you still searching?
  Mac: “No, I’ve found one, so I do wholeheartedly believe in that. I also wholeheartedly believe in the idea of love, and I think it’s interesting that in the year 2016, there’s all these different ways of what love and relationships are supposed to be. Like “What is monogamy? Who cares? It’s 2016.”

Monogamy!!! The discussion that seems to never fully go away in this whole deep dive. Anyway.

Mac Millers album, The Divine Feminine, is released on Sept 16, 2016. We will talk about some of the songs and lyrics in a minute… but on Sept 21 Nomi tweets this:

On Sept 27 2016, Mac does another interview. some notable takeways from this:

• He’s been a little over 90 days sober at this point in time according to the writer’s opening sentence
• Does not mention anything about past relationships when answering Qs about the new album or the concept of it. Some interview Qs:
• This whole album is about love. When did you start writing it? Were you in the process of falling in love?
   Mac: “It was literally after I moved to New York and finished the last album, so just about a year ago.” (Authors Note: if you ctrl+F this article, and look for 2015, you can see that Mac and Nomi were a month into living together and were spending a ton of time together around this period)
• Did Ariana have any influence musically on the album? 
  Mac: “A lot of people think it’s a whole album about her. And I get it. It makes sense. But “My Favorite Part” was one of the last songs we made. I had talked about doing a record with her for the album. We hadn’t talked in a really long time, and I bring her this song, and then we go to the studio and do her part. And then, after that. . . . we started spending more time together.”
• You’ve talked about your past struggles with drug abuse. How have you handled your recent sobriety? 
  Mac: “It’s amazing. I am actually completely sober for the first time.”

Anddd the next day after this interview comes out, on September 28 2016,

Nomi starts part 1 of what ends up being a 5-part series on Mac and the breakup. I’ve removed some non-relevant parts of this, tried to keep only the obviously related Mac parts in. I bolded the most notable parts as well:

The Art of Healing Part I: The Truth Lies In the Bottom Of The Lake

And I’ve held my tongue for so long….

It felt civil to remain silent; it felt strong to temper anger; felt dignified to deny retribution. Yet cataclysmic tides wash over and fill nostrils with the stinging reminder that we are but salt water.

Even boys.. with the right amount of distance. 

And, bon voyage Fall tour dates, the sand has fallen through the hourglass. Your time is up. Here we are arriving at the truth. 

It didn’t have to come to this. 

You left what you had always been asking for, for a secret I shall never tell. Gave yourself up to the other side. Couldn’t come back from white rabbit realities. And here I was. 40+ hours a week on the clock and drained to nothing but apathy at the end of all your lies. How could anyone care past crumpled bills in the bottom of the trash bin? 

You deny me what is mine. 

What you have taken from me is my deepest sense of self, of belonging in this world, of all I have to offer. A view of this complicated place that argues strength and purpose and knighthood to young women. That defends they are Divine.

Sacrosanct. 

Something I have understood since birth; something I have written about since 2013. Something I gifted you, deeming you worthy. What you now slander with every mic spoken into. 

For those wondering where to find the facts, dig no deeper than the dirt of our beginnings. Buried here is Goddess – swollen at the hips. She presented such a threat even then. It took so much to overtake her. It took Bibles, and Torah and myths and legends and small men with big armies and sharp swords. But she lies dormant beneath the sands of time, resting with open eyes, watching as we evolve; waiting for us to realize our humanity.

Read: The Chalice and the Blade. 

These ideas are not new. They are not mine. They are not anyone’s. They are the truth at the bottom of your stomach bile. They are the chains holding together your DNA. All we can do is learn. 

And to say it is all in the name of love – ha! – to say that it is all to honor Her [The Feminine] – Can’t you feel her temper boiling? Can’t you feel that rumbling beneath your feet? 

You have taken something that is not yours and have passed it off as another’s. Your perfectly planned PR partnership. Your simple syrup love: Easy to swallow and light to lift. The Universe has already begun to balance itself out. Can you feel that rumbling beneath your feet? The heat warming your soles? There is no avoiding retribution. 

You and your pack of peasants have tried to silence a writer. Attempted to douce legal jargon across my First Amendment and set it ablaze. Well know, yes, you have set it ablaze. Yes, you have set it ablaze. 

And, as healing is a process also know, 

That this only the beginning. 

September 28 2016

Okkkkkkayyyy lot to unpack here. Main takeaways for me, after everything we’ve seen over the years:

• She is definitely resentful that he is trying to pass off the Divine Feminine concept as his own in most his interviews, even though she’s the one who’s been writing about it for years and most definitely had an influence on him
• She calls Ariana and his relationship a “perfectly planned PR partnership.” and a “simple syrup love”.
• She says in more or less words that his lawyers sent her an NDA after the breakup (last bolded part, above)

Looking at the album, the song Congratulations was definitely about Nomi…

emphasis on this right here:

You was there before the fancy cars and
You was there when I was just a starvin’ artist
When the car was havin’ trouble startin’
Now we got our own apartment, same box for the mail
Same hamper for the laundry, the food in the fridge is stale
And this mornin’ you cooked the eggs with the kale
I tried to hit it while you was gettin’ dressed
You said, “All you ever think about is sex”
I’m like, “Oh well, you know me so well (authors note: “know me”…… Nomi….🤔)

The song Dang! has a lot of references to them as well. Mostly the lyrics are about how theyve been fighting and they dont trust each other and then it all feels good again when they make up.

As we noted, he said in an above interview that he started writing this album in September 2015, which as we know from the deep dive was when Nomi and him were in one of their best periods, with Nomi writing about feeling like she was falling in love again at that time, etc. So I think its safe to say a lot of the songs on this were, at least somewhat, about her. I think My Favorite Part and Cinderella are the only two that were written more with Ariana in mind, Ariana confirms Cinderella is about her as well.

During this time period I will not mention every single outing or post/activity that Nomi, or Ariana and Mac do, just the ones that are noteworthy or add something to the timeline.

So on Nov 3 2016, about a week after Nomi wrote Part 1 of her “The Art of Healing” posts about the breakup, she writes Part 2.

This is a super long one so I have omitted irrelevant or rambly parts when possible, but the link will take you to the full post as usual:

The Art of Healing Part II: Hydrate

There is a cheapness that clings to your cells once you’ve been disposed of.

You feel yourself being part of the past. A part of you is no longer alive. No longer alive in the life of a someone. I thought I was stronger than this. I’m confused as to where this is coming from? There’s a sickness inside of me and it is sucking the luxe. 

It’s not you – it’s the hurt that lingers in your wake. You are gone and so why can’t you take this part with you? 

And I’ll say it again, it’s not you. Because that may have gotten misconstrued. 

It’s not you – it’s the hurt that lingers in your wake.

…

The first few moments felt like liberation. I had wanted this. I had known from the seat of my True Purpose that I had to be on my own.

You were tucked in the hills of California, but I felt your chill. A sudden change of the wind. A woman always knows. 

November 3 2016

Nothing compares to a first love. And here is why:

When you first fall in love, it is a foreign entity in your flesh, like a new virus. You have nothing to compare the feeling to, nothing in your biology to fight it off. And it is so strong and so unknown and so overwhelming that finally you submit to the sickness. Because you are no match for its strength of conviction. Like an addiction, it tugs at your veins, convincing you you need it. 

And you will never love like that ever again in your life.

No, you won’t ever love like that again because now your body can detect love coming. Now your antibodies are armed. Now you have a point of reference. 

(I am learning as I’m typing.) 

And now, when you feel love coming, your hairs raise to stand on end, suddenly your chest tightens, and your heart hardens. Because your body knows:

With love comes pain. 

Ancient fear response built over millions of years of evolution: Protect yourself from the things that may cause harm. 

And now the worst has happened. You have been forever altered. You have been changed. And this is what I mean when I say it is not “you.” 

November 3 2016

Mac & Ariana release the music video for My Favorite Part in December 2016.

OH and .. okay this was interesting:
On January 6 2017, Nomi reposted the “Whats Love Have to do with My Vagina?” entry she wrote about Mac in April of 2015. If you read the Nomi & Mac deep dive you’ll remember this.

BUT SO. Like I said, interestingly….she writes under it:

“Upon the original posting of this piece, a meeting was called between said ex-boyfriend’s management. They were concerned and alarmed. It caused quite a frenzy. There was questioning around whether or not proceeding to be involved with me was a smart and safe choice. Thus proving the point of this entire fucking article.”

So theres that… basically saying Mac’s management were saying shes not really a good fit for him and his image when writing stuff like that.

On January 31, 2017, and I want to thank Micayla for sending me this through a submission request – thank you!!!

So on Jan 31, Nomi wrote about “What to do when love turns to heartbreak”.

The highlight that references Mac:

On January 21st the world emerged from its’ bundle of grief to say we are here for each other. Do you forgive me? Will you take me back? How can I make it up to you? How can I be here for you? New voices emerged from the rubble to proclaim their pain, and reclaim their pain. Voices emerging to say: from love’s pain you created great music, and I filled pages of a blog. It was naught for nothing. And I honor the pain, and release it. And I honor the pain, and use it to help others patch their leaky roofs and fill their spirits so that we all may sleep in warmth and with full bellies.  

side note: Jan 21 2017 was the Womens March, which was also a protest of Trumps inauguration. And knowing how much Nomi is pro-women I’m sure that was what she was referring to here.

And then on March 1 2017, Ariana talks to Cosmo magazine and says she has loved him since 2013 (when she was 19) in an interview:

“I met him when I was 19. We have loved and adored and respected each other since the beginning, since before we even met, just because we were fans of each other’s talent. We weren’t ready at all, though, to be together. It’s just timing. We both needed to experience some things, but the love has been there the whole time.”

In the same interview, she also says that she used to come to his house in LA and comfort him when he was going through hard times years ago, and then says that her and Mac’s families knew they would be together the whole time, and that he hold his mom she was “the one” 5 years ago. From Ariana:

 “There were times when he was really broken and sad—this was years ago—and I would come over and take care of him, because we love each other as best friends first and foremost.“

And theres this from the same interview, where the interviewer asks:
Did everybody else know you guys were meant to be together before you did?

Ariana answers:

“Our families have known the entire time. He saw a [magazine] cover of mine four or five Thanksgivings ago and told his mom, ‘She’s The One.’ How cute is that? That was before we were even talking!”

Authors note: This feels………. very weird knowing what we know about Macs history with Nomi. And that the times she went to comfort him may have had to do with problems with his relationship with Nomi. Idk.

Also the question that directly follows this one in this 2017 interview, is a question about her hosting SNL, which is funny because as we now know… this is where she met Pete Davidson.

And weirdly enough, in August of 2018, she says:

“I left [Pete’s] writers’ room when we were writing skits and stuff for the show, and my tour manager was in the hallway,” Grande recalled. “And I’m not a crushy person — like I don’t have crushes on people, I don’t know — but I left and I, like, jokingly said to my tour manager, ‘I’m marrying him. 100 percent. I’m literally marrying him.’”

Ok hold up cut the cameras stop the presses hold the horses etc etc cuz this is a mess hold on let me just write this out in chronological order so i can gather my bearings here LMAO.

This girls timeline is……. a lot to process rightnow

OK. So….

• When she hosted SNL, on March 12, 2016, Ariana was still very much in a relationship with Ricky Alvarez(Reminder, they break up after her and Mac start hanging out in the summer). So March 12 2016, she says she told Scooter(her manager) that she was going to marry Pete Davidson.

• July 15 2016: Four months after saying this about Pete, she went on the date to Disney with Mac

• July 26: Ariana and Ricky break up.

• August 2016: Mac and Ariana are cuddling and seen kissing at the VMAs.

• Sept 2016: Mac and Ari start dating

And in March of 2017, she tells Cosmo mag she’s loved Mac since 2013, and that their families knew they would end up together since 2012.

Um.

Ok.

Nothing makes sense but whatever lets move on

(side note i may need to say fuck it and compile a deep dive on her entire dating history because the amount of relationship crossover… are at levels of which i have never seen before. LMAO. between this and the stuff Naya said about her and Big Sean, plus Jais twitlonger about her cheating with Nate, and how her and Petes relationship ended up happening…. this is too messy for my brain to even comprehend rn)

ANYWAYYYYYYYYY

We get Part 3 of Nomi’s post-break up entries on March 22 2017. As usual I am omitting rambly parts that dont say much of relevant to the topic at hand:

The Art of Healing Part III: Respect the Clock

It’s been a strange time. There are things I want to say but will wait. Everything has its season—its peak ripeness. 

There have been more tears in my recent days than I’d care to explain. I reckon it’s the weather. My insides are getting out their last bouts of winter blues; flushing the system fresh. It is scary to be sad when it’s sunny. That’s why I hated L.A. 

There are things I would love to say, and will say eventually, because the truth…… will persist.

But out of respect of Time… I know that now … is not the time. 

I read a magazine article that purported things about my life that were not true. And while my name made no appearance, well, the purported was there. 

And he had called, you know, just a few weeks ago. And the call was seventeen minutes long and we managed to laugh, and I said I didn’t have it in me to be hurt or angry because everything runs its course, and eventually the earth tilts,

and seasons change, 

and new life grows. 

And behind coffee mugs there lie light plans to perhaps sip and chat (makes you wonder what might be happening in Hollywood) and I didn’t feel the pang of loss, no, I felt relief that my heart was still; calm; unfettered; unaffected. 

I will have to address the magazine, but now is not the time.

My mother said of mourning: You must respect the time it takes to heal. 

*Respect. Not “acknowledge,” not “understand,” but respect.

I have awarded Time slight ownership over my days—given it free reign. And because of respecting Time I am entering my Spring with a healthy amount of fear and a belly full of ambition. I understand that Time wants to lie in bed a little longer; keep me too long on the phone; make me a few minutes late for work. Time wants me wholly because it knows something I do not know. It holds all secrets of forever; is unquestionable in its wisdom; the undefeatable against even the most mighty. 

March 22 2017

So main takeaway here is that according to Nomi, Mac and her had an almost 20-minute phone call in March of 2017, or maybe late February 2017.

In April of 2017 Mac and Ariana are super cute at Coachella. He also released the video for Cinderella in April.

May 3, 2017, Nomi writes Part 4 of her “The Art of Healing” post-breakup series, really only the last part (bolded) is relevant here:

The Art of Healing Part IV: Move in Space

She was changed after [her trip to] Cuba. 

Something about the lack of cell reception allowed her own vibration to increase. It warmed her and rose to a dull hum in her ears–that and the constant soundof LOUD! 

Damn, Cuba was loud. Music everywhere; scratchy love songs blaring from 1952 Chevrolets; Cubaton on mindless repeat in every restaurant; Spanish classics blurted from an ancient trumpet by a leathery man with round cheeks. Sound followed you with every footstep and mixed in the heavy breeze of the Gulf with the constant weight of diesel and dust. 

It was dizzying. It was…intoxicating. 

Small pleasures; dollar Cristal beers full with amber, not thin and heartless like their cheap American counterparts. A five dollar bottle of Havana Club to swing around your newfound group of friends. (The girls always mixed it with Coke, which was sweeter there.) 

And maybe it all only felt like paradise because she left; could leave. Having settled back into her normal life she had to ask herself, had Cuba even happened? If not for the sunburnt skin and stream of photos she’d have thought not. 

It felt so distant, so far away, so unimaginable now. Like… the other thing. She had forgotten all about it. It too felt unreal. Like some distant time in an unfamiliar place. But unlike Cuba, she had absolutely no desire to return.  

Sometimes to move on you have to actually move. Move through space. Move across the earth. Move physically elsewhere. Move your body, make it sweat, make it taste new things and new people and the saltwater of the various seas. 

May 3 2017

On May 22 2017, the Manchester bombing occured at Ariana Grande’s concert.

A total of 22 fans were dead either on the scene, or passed away due to succumbing to injuries.

I want to point out here that Ariana has always had a very close relationship with her fans. Like, much closer than a normal pop star would. For example, she had a sleepover with a group of her most devoted fan accounts once:

And shes been known to randomly DM fans and group fan chats regularly, and will divulge info and share conversation in these as well. So I’m sure this was brutal for her. It would be brutal for anyone, but with her having such a strong relationship with her fans directly for so long… and only being 23 years old, I cant imagine.

Mac Miller cancelled two big weekend festivals he had scheduled and rushed to greet her at her private plane’s steps when she landed in Florida on May 23, 2017:

On June 4 she hosts One Love Manchester, & Mac is there supporting her:

Overall in all of 2017 their relationship seems solid, with random trips(Dec ’17) here and there, and costumes together, etc. She is (understandably) laying pretty low, so is he, and she doesnt make her first public appearance at a hollywood event after the incident until March 2018. She also had been pretty silent on social media the last 6 months as well according to several articles.

I will note here that in the biography we have mentioned a few times, the author also says that:

“During [Mac and Ariana’s] relationship, as Miller struggled to stay sober, there were times when he was MIA, with Grande worrying about his safety and frantically calling his friends to try to find his whereabouts.” Which Mac’s friends told him directly during his interview processes.

So that Oscars afterparty was on March 6 2018.

On April 21 2018, Ariana and Mac Miller are happily dating and at Coachella together:

And here is where we get the crossover again.

So… bear (bare?) with me but we need to add Pete to the timeline now, okay? If you havent read the introduction to his deep dive then you just need to stick with me here alright? here we go.

Also on April 21, 2018: Pete says he’ll probably marry his current girlfriend(Cazzie David) during a set at Kenyon College. From a Refinery29 article where the author was a Kenyon College alumni:

“According to multiple sources who were in attendance, Davidson spoke on stage about his girlfriend at the time, and told the audience that they would probably get married.”

April 30 2018, Pete confirms that he is still dating his longtime girlfriend Cazzie in an interview.

“You’re dating Larry David’s daughter, Cazzie,” host Joe La Puma stated, seemingly catching Davidson off guard. “Yes. I’m a very lucky guy,” Davidson replied.”

On May 3 2018, Cazzie posted a pic with Pete that is definitely very couple-y, safe to say they’re still dating here:

4 days later is May 7th 2018… which is the first Monday of May, and in the celeb world that really only means one thing:

The Annual Met Gala in NYC.

And as you may remember, Ariana attends.

And this…is where it gets interesting. Let me give you a play-by-play of what happened that night.

After the Met Gala, Ariana hosts a get together/afterparty at the AirBnb she’s staying at in NYC. She invited Pete. She got his number from her manager Scooter Braun, apparently he told her the day or so before that he would be hanging out with some of the SNL cast, and she said she always had a crush on Pete and told Scooter, “Tell Pete I said hi”. Scooter goes an extra step for her and is basically like Pete, you can tell her hi yourself. He gives Pete her phone number. He texted her, and that’s how she ended up inviting him to her afterparty. (I will link the interview where she told this story shortly.)

Pete had a mutual friend that would also be going to the afterparty/get together thing, and he says the party started before she got back from the Gala. So, he says that Ariana walks in still wearing that Sistine Chapel dress. She changes out of it, and by the end of the night, they were all chilling playing Quiplash on the couch(celebs, they’re just like us!!🤪) for a while until everyone started leaving.

It ended up being just him and Ariana alone at her place, and he says that’s when he asked to kiss her. And then they kissed. His words:

“I’m so stupid and unaware of how chemistry and all that stuff works. I literally was like, ‘Hi, can I kiss you please?’” Davidson told Howard Stern. “We played the game, everybody left, and then it was just me and her. And I was like, ‘Well, if there was ever a shot, it would be now. Go for it.’”

Now… we dont find this story out until August-September 2018 when Ariana(this link is the interview she does talking about Pete & Scooter and how that invite came about) and Pete both do interviews(this link has Pete talking about his first kiss with Ariana, where I got a lot of the above from as well) about it.

Which yes, was after the Met Gala:

“He said he wore sweatpants and a T-shirt, while Grande was “coming from the Met [Gala],” so she was still dressed in her Sistine Chapel gown.”

So okay. Story over.

And just a reminder, that was May 7 2018.

On May 9 2018, Ariana and Mac Miller officially broke up.

May 10 2018, Ariana confirms it with an IG post:

On May 12 2018, Ariana attends an SNL afterparty ….with Pete.

Now pay attention, because what I’m about to say is all speculation at first…. but we get confirmation later.

Like okay, look at her phone case in the last pic here.

…

Did you look?

You saw it?

Cloud-shaped thing right?

Well … I’m pretty sure it was Pete’s phone, or his phone case at least:

And LISTENNNNN.

She doesnt confirm that her and Pete are dating until May 31, when she posts this on IG:

BUT WAIT A SEC

look at the outfit!!! This was definitely taken at that SNL afterparty on May 12. I found this pic from that night too:

Also, the below photo was taken at that afterparty and its the same exact aesthetic as the above, & she posted it on May 13:

So yeah …all of the above is from May 12th, including the pic of Ariana and Pete cuddled up/kissing, we can confirm that now based on all the evidence.

Next thing I want to say is that Pete DID NOT ANNOUNCE HE BROKE UP WITH CAZZIE UNTIL MAY 16th!!

So…a few things to process here.

First of all, neither of them were officially/publicly single on May 7th.

And both Ariana and Pete were cuddled up with their long-term partners within the last 2 weeks when their kiss happened on the 7th. (Reminder: Ariana with Mac at Coachella in late April, Pete talking about Cazzie being his gf on April 30, + him and Cazzie couples pic on IG on May 3)

I will cut Pete some slack, because according to Cazzie’s book(which is actually a collection of personal essays), they were on a break. Although that relationship timeline is …well, you can read all about how messy that relationship ended per Cazzie here in Part 1 of the Pete deep dive. But one thing to note,

According to this article, the day after Pete “ended their 2 1/2 relationship over text”, he uploaded an Instagram photo that showed he’d covered several of the tattoos that he’d gotten in honor of her. Per the article:

“My name, which had been written in cursive across his ring finger, was now covered with black ink,” Cazzie said.”

The instagram photo in question:

This pic was posted on his IG on 5/17/18, which also confirms he “officially” broke it off with her on the 16th. This is the old link: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bi42rBTnl8w/?taken-by=petedavidson

So… also on May 17 2018,

Mac Miller gets DUI, is arrested with hit-and-run charges. According to friends interviewed for the 2022 biography written about Macs life:

“Friends of the rapper said he seemed almost jaded by the [hit-and-run] accident, feeling both confused and invigorated by his actions. Mac Miller admitted he didn’t know what made him press the pedal while turning a bend that night, but at the same time he “felt an inexplicable feeling of being untouchable.“

“I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking,” Miller told a friend, smoking a cigarette intensely. “I just felt invincible.”

On May 18 2018, Bossip is the first to break the news that Ariana and Pete are dating, and the article headline is sending me LMFAO.

On May 23rd, Ariana goes off on fans/haters on twitter, , she alludes to Mac ‘not being able to keep his shit together’, her having to babysit him, take care of him due to drugs etc as reasons for the breakup. also confirms that divine feminine wasnt about her, just Cinderella was:

On May 30 2018, Nomi writes about a past relationship as well as a new one. I bolded the parts referring to Mac and removed some random non relevant stuff, but you can read the full post in the link below if you want:

Whoops, Ive Forgotten to Blog

Current State: Tequila poured over two tap-water ice cubes. Avoiding the melt. An indecisive cigarette nearby. 

But I feel I owe this space a solid update seeing as so much has changed.

We’ll start with the most important things first: 

1. I’ve been having so much good sex since summer 2016. Can sex be consistently so good for like almost two years? Can I even say that at twenty-seven with a full-time job and my, like, reputation to consider? 😉 

*SIGH* so despite him being really great in bed and really great in a lot of other ways, I’ve withheld talking about my not-so-new-now-boyfriend because a.) we live together and how super awkward when I write a post while he’s sitting right next to me watching Sports Center? b.) he’s like a real life normal person with fam I see pretty regularly and c.) he doesn’t fucking suck so much so there’s not a ton to bitch about. 

I mean…there are things. Don’t get me wrong. Nobody’s perfect.

But like, he’s great. 

And it’s weird because for a while I felt like since I wasn’t going through a shitty breakup, or living through a shitty relationship, I didn’t have much of value to say within this space. Like there wasn’t much insight I could offer. But dude. That’s so not true. 

I’m learning so much more within a functional relationship, and it’s weirdly almost harder than a dysfunctional relationship. Because guess what I’m realizing?? 

I MIGHT BE THE DYSFUNCTIONAL ONE. 

Yeah! What a fun thing to start to understand about yourself. If it weren’t for this nearly perfect guy I would never have been able to understand the myriad of ways I was avoiding real love and true intimate connection in my life.

Okay, moving on. 

2. I still live in New York. And I FUCKING love this place. It’s so swampy right now it’s great. The humidity literally chokes you on your way to work it’s masochistic. Anywhere you go you arrive looking like a soggy, crack-addicted version of whatever you were originally going for that morning. It’s really the best. 

2 ½) But I super miss Pittsburgh. Thing is, my best friends still live in the Western hip of PA. It’s too expensive to fly and too long to drive. *Boooo* I miss them. Why even have friends if they don’t get every SATC reference I’m making? If they don’t know every dude and his corresponding side dude I’ve had through my entire skanky history? How there’s a secret crazy Nomi who comes out when people lie about what’s going to be in their upcoming music videos or when she takes acid??? 

*SIGH* These two cats will have to do for now. 

3. The later twenty-somethings are proving to be really damn swell. 

Getting older is like, kinda dope.

I’m totally a fan. 

Updated Current State: Tequila is drained. Cigarette is a pile of ash. Netflix is queued up. Patiently waiting on the not-new-boyfriend to return 😉 

Night, night. It was so lovely catching up. 

May 30 2018 

July 23, 2018, Mac does an interview and gets asked how he feels about Ariana/Pete and their engagement. His response:

“We were together for two years. We worked through good times, bad times, stress, and everything else. And then it came to an end and we both moved on. And it’s that simple, you know?”

“[The pace] seemed strange…but not negative, it’s just a part of something that will continue to make me who I am, ya know? its all positive energy. I’m happy for her, and her moving forward with her life, just as I’m sure she is with me. “

Other notable quotes of his from this interview, when asked about the hit-and-run, he said “You ever feel like you’re invincible?”

Then he goes into saying that that people who know him, know that hes lived a very reckless life, drugs, alcohol, the last 10 years, and that he “never faced any real consequences” from living that life.

Listening to it, it seems clear here that he is implying basically, nothing bad has ever really happened due to his drinking and drug use. Then, referring to the hit-and-run, he says it was “the best thing that could have happened”. and that he needed it to happen, he needed an actual consequence to happen.

Another quote from this one:

“I have a beautiful relationship with my fans, the people who’ve been with me since I was a 19 year old wide-eyed kid, to being a …self destructive, depressed..drug user, to making love music, all these different stages, ya know? So, [after the hit-and-run] I felt a need to tell them that I’m OK.

I’m okay.

Everything will be fine.”

why am i crying again ugh

On August 3 2018: Mac’s new album, Swimming, is released.

Also on August 3, Mac does a Rolling Stone interview, which is titled “Mac Miller Wants You to Know He’s OK.“

Some takeaways from it:

Miller has admitted to using promethazine and cocaine in the years following the release of his chart-topping 2012 debut album, Blue Slide Park.

But he says that’s all in his past — even if people believe otherwise.

“If a bunch of people think I am a huge drug addict, OK. Cool. What can I really do? Go talk to all those people and be like ‘Naw man, it’s really not that simple?’” he says. “Have I done drugs? Yeah. But am I a drug addict? No.”

 Miller now says he hasn’t talked to Grande since they broke up, nor has he followed her engagement to Pete Davidson.

More on Ariana: “I’ve cared about her for a long time as a person,” he says the next day over a late-afternoon salad at a restaurant on the Lower East Side. He and Grande had known each other for years before dating. And when asked his thoughts on her engagement? “I am genuinely happy that that’s how she moved. That’s good for her. Go, go, keep going! As she should. I’m just being real. That’s good. Now I have space for me. And that’s great too.”

On August 9 2018, Ariana replies to an ariana fan account on instagram and denies she cheated on mac.

On August 27, 2018, Nomi writes her final entry in the 5-part post-breakup series shes been doing. I will bold the most notable takeaways, but this one I am posting in full.

She reveals that her and Mac Miller met up recently, and documents how that meetup went:

The Art of Healing Part V: Return

If you had seen him sitting there you’d have first noticed his bouncing knees – an anxious habit – that threw the ceiling lights off kilter and caused an eerie pulsing of the bulbs. 

He was nervous, it was palpable. Perhaps something stronger than beer would be advised. Then again, likely not. 

She breezed through the door, late. She had terrible stomach pains and kept fixing her top. The place was familiar to them both. Didn’t the guilty always return to the scene of the crime? 

She drank martinis, needed something strong. The smile they exchanged was not forced. 

If you’d had seen them sitting there you wouldn’t look away. It wasn’t an easy situation to read, they didn’t blend into the background. There was familiarity, but it was tense, like pushing through water – smooth and resistant. 

Why return to the bar, the page, why return at all? 

They say living in the past is what causes depression, so have no past. She was choosing to have no past – to not let a person exist only in a former state of her being. Because then she was locked there too, stuck also in that intangible place. Some version of herself a “back then.” A version she couldn’t determine if she still or ever really was. 

That night she was honest in a way that she hoped would create comfort, but may have been disarming. She hadn’t always been that way. 

Two years had passed between when they had lived at the apartment around the corner and this conversation. There was a lot to catch up. A lot to get straight. 

If you had seen them sitting there you’d determine he liked pale ales, she was getting tipsy and was trying to be restrained. He had a lot to unload. A lot of untruths to untangle from the headlines. And she had always been a good listener. 

“They are old friends,” you’d conclude. Only old friends with a lot of lost time would sit here till closing. Neither had anything to prove, though they each urgently needed to be understood. 

They didn’t touch, or did they? Perhaps she had tapped his elbow when the bartender was attempting to get his attention, but you can’t remember.

You’d feel as though you knew them just from watching the words bounce between them. You’d know their history, understand that of course they were meeting in summer. You’d sense that the story was not over, but certainly was in a different chapter, and that their plot lines had forever diverged. 

She spoke protectively about a new love. He spoke resolutely about a past love, having tried artificial sweetener and determining, ultimately, he preferred the real thing.

In some sense… they owed their lives to each other, because after all – they were living the aftershocks of the decisions they had once made. And in that sense you’d suppose the past does always remain a part of your present, that it all at once surrounds you like air and gravity – real, invisible, necessary. 

When they left the bar you’d notice you hadn’t touched your drink. 

August 27 2018

Ok. lot to process with this one. Some observations:

• Seems like Mac was the one who initiated them meeting up, by her wondering why they were there, why they were meeting again
• “He had a lot to unload. A lot of untruths to untangle from the headlines.” Not too sure what this means specifically but it is interesting regardless
• Obviously him speaking about a past love, and the artifical sweetener bit.. is about Ariana. And “determined that ultimately, he preferred the real thing” tells us apparently told her something along the lines of, he missed what him and Nomi had. Or he missed their love, what it used to be like. I guess thats why he wanted to meet up, to tell her that? Maybe. Of course, we’ll never know for sure

On September 4 2018, known Hollywood drug dealer Cameron Pettit received counterfeit oxycodone pills from a guy that supplied him, Ryan Reavis.

Reavis admitted in his conviction on Nov 10, 2021 that he was aware the pills “contained fentanyl or some other controlled substance”.

On Sept 5 2018, Cameron Pettit distributed the pills to 26-year-old rapper Malcolm James McCormick, more commonly known by the stage name Mac Miller.

And…2 days after the counterfeit pills were sold to Malcolm,

11 days after Nomi and Mac’s meet up…

Sigh

Ive been dreading this entry for weeks now.

I hate this.

September 7 2018: Mac Miller passes away from an accidental overdose.

Also on Sept 7, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette publishes this article, they detailed a lot of little known stories about his first few shows and concerts in the area, and they also interviewed and talked to a lot of people who grew up with him in Pittsburgh. As they detail his career, they pause to give us this:

“I had seen him a few weeks ago in New York,” Ms. Leasure said in a text message. 

“We wound up talking and catching up for close to five hours. He seemed truly at peace with his life.

Fully resolute about his past relationship (which he chose to end). Very optimistic about the future and his new album. Yes, somewhat anxious and self-conscious in the ways I knew him to be. But, clear eyed and clear headed. Not on drugs, at least at that moment, and according to him not on drugs habitually at all.”

So according to Nomi, Mac was the one who decided to end him & Ariana’s relationship. Was it because Ariana had kissed Pete after the Met Gala and she confessed/he found out — like i’ve said, end of the day we’ll never really know what happened there. But… all interesting to reflect on given the context we have now.

Nomi posted this later that night on the 7th:

And on her IG story:

September 10 2018, Nomi posts this pic of her and Mac sleeping together, captioned “Rest now 🌙”

September 8 2018, Ariana posts this black and white pic of Mac to IG with no caption and comments disabled.

September 14, Ariana posts a tribute to Mac on IG, its a video of her recording him beginning to tell a story. She captioned it:

“i adored you from the day i met you when i was nineteen and i always will. i can’t believe you aren’t here anymore. i really can’t wrap my head around it. we talked about this. so many times. i’m so mad, i’m so sad i don’t know what to do. you were my dearest friend. for so long. above anything else. i’m so sorry i couldn’t fix or take your pain away. i really wanted to. the kindest, sweetest soul with demons he never deserved.

i hope you’re okay now.

rest.”

On Sept 17 2018, Ariana announced she was taking a break from public appearances and concerts.

Sept 27, Ariana posts a series of tweets (to be read from the bottom to top)

October 8 2018: Nomi posts this video of her running and jumping into a hug with Mac, captions it, “you are missed💔”.

October 14 2018, Pete and Ariana call off the engagement. Pete later says, in 2020, when asked how seeing Ariana mourn Mac afffected him, he says he pretty much knew it was over after Mac’s passing:

“I totally got it. I understood. She would even tell you this. I was like, ‘Listen, I get it, do whatever you’ve got to do, I’ll be here.’ I think what I said exactly was like, ‘I’ll be here until you don’t want me to be here.’”

“I pretty much knew it was around over after that,” he continued. “That was really horrible, and I can’t imagine what that shit is like. All I do know is that she really loved the shit out of him, and she wasn’t putting on a show or anything. That was fucked up. Prayers to his family and all of his friends.”

November 3 2018, “thank u, next” comes out, Ariana sings, “Wish I could say ‘thank you’ to Malcolm, cuz he was an angel.”

November 8, a video of Mac listening to Sweetener one week before the album was released (so after ariana was engaged to pete, and about 1 month before he passed away…)is tweeted to Ari by a fan, Ariana tweets about it: “his voice and laugh. he was supposed to be here. thank u for finding this.”

In December 2018, there are 2 Nomi posts that kind of talk about him. The first one is this entry about hating LA. Its a long one so I’ll try to only keep the relevant bits in & bold the most relevant:

Fear of Flying

I detest LA. The smell when the air hits is so distinct and familiar – similar to something you once ate that made you violently ill. It’s an involuntary reaction on a cellular level that I have to this place.

Sure. Maybe I’m scarred. It is, after all, where someone I cared deeply for came and lost himself. At least that’s how I saw things from Pennsylvania.

It was also where I spent the brokest summer of my life right after college;(**authors note, this is referring to her summer internship in 2013**)

where I dinged my rental car and had my heart broken (again);(**another authors note: i think this is referring to the Ari/Mac situation in 2013**)

It’s where I’ve always felt lonely.

LA is just not my scene. And I’ve tried.

I came out for a work trip in the middle of the week. My boyfriend and I had just spent the previous weekend in Philadelphia for the Thanksgiving holiday. Two nights in my own bed later and it was off to LA. I left on a Wednesday and he was to come out that Thursday morning.

We spend so much time together that in a way, I feel off balance without him. It’s an odd effect that generally only lasts the first day or so of being apart. But it creeps up in the side of my mind, like I forgot something but I’m not sure what.

My first instinct is to really not like that, to not like that feeling of being a part of a whole. Because I’ve always advocated for completing yourself; of belonging to no one but yourself. And it’s hard for me to understand how you can participate in a partnership without sacrificing some deep and sacred part of yourself. And it’s disorienting to understand how I could be a person who really would prefer to  spend most of her time with one single individual.

For so long I had this fear of the ‘shared identity’ – of being in a relationship where the ‘girlfriend’ version of myself was not exactly aligned with the just-plain-old-me version of myself. I feared there was an expected way to act as a girlfriend and an expected way treat another person as a girlfriend. That all of a sudden because you were in this committed thing you had certain expectations placed on you, and that The Relationship required the fulfillment of some specific curriculum in order to be successful.  

I feared having someone out there in the world on whom my behavior reflected, who was associated with me and everything that came with it. And that once the cat-and-mouse chase of early infatuation wore thin, it would be revealed I was just a flesh and blood human being, maybe nothing dramatically special at the end of the day.

My tarot card reader really dug into my relationships – past and present – during my last reading.

I went into the session with the intention to talk about work, and careers, and my future, since that’s what had been on my mind. But the conversation eventually turned towards relationships. I got them up to speed and introduced them to key information regarding my current boyfriend.

They said that soul mates are those who come into your life for a certain period of time because on a cosmic level you have been drawn to each other. Sometimes that connection lasts a lifetime, sometimes it doesn’t. They believe ‘marriage’ is an identity that carries with it it’s own expectations and demands – separate and apart from any of the couples who enter into it – and for that reason to be wary of rushing into one. And they believe that relationships should serve, at the end of the day, the two individuals in them.

That is to say… your relationship should help you develop as an individual, should assist you on your personal aims, should enhance you as a person first and foremost. The primary purpose of a partnership is to further elevate the participants. Period.

Being yourself in a relationship and accepting the other person for who they are are really your only options. I realize this now. There is no changing another person, not even if in your heart you believe it’s for the better. And there’s no changing yourself, there’s no performing a version of yourself you think you should be.

December 3 2018

And on December 5 2018, Nomi answered a question someone sent in about their friend. The question is…..oddly parallel to what Nomi has gone through. To the point it almost seems intentional, whoever sent it in.

But I digress. This was the question. It basically is someone telling Nomi they have a friend who dated a guy for 8 years, and he had a lot of addictions. He was recently found dead of an overdose. The friend broke up with him a year prior because of how unhealthy it was and now shes in a new relationship and isnt sure how to mourn while being newly in love. Needs advice.

Nomis answer is long, and is linked above. Ill post the relevant excerpts here:

NOMI LEASURE ON… GRIEF, LOVE AND LOSS

Your friend lost someone she loves. For eight formative years she experienced life, to some degree, as a part of a pair. Her story was intertwined with another’s; bound at the spine. They may have come from different places, and engaged in different activities, but they grew together. He was a part of the context by which she experienced the world. When a relationship starts that young, and lives that long, it grows roots.

Love doesn’t die, it doesn’t fade, it forgets. And can be easily reminded.

Guilt is one of those ways to remember. If your friend blames herself, or wonders what she could have done, she’s searching for a way to feel close. A way to help her imagine fictional futures, … futures where he’s still alive and she can maybe see him just one last time.

Guilt is a finite, actionable emotion – like fits of rage or bouts of tear soaked sorrow. It has an end. A point at which it runs out. Which is why we grip so tightly to it when someone dies. Because loss – with its undefinable edges – feels infinite. A hole inside of us that we’ll never stop falling through.

What she’ll start to understand, on her own time, is that accepting what has happened and moving on with her life doesn’t also mean letting go. When we end a relationship and say goodbye to the bad we’re also saying goodbye to the good. And that’s what is often the most challenging thing to reconcile; how this person who caused you a measurable amount of pain could also be the same one who shared in some of your most amazing moments.

And it’s confusing. It’s confusing to have moved on from someone but still care deeply for them.

And it’s confusing when that person dies and you’re so shattered by sadness, but congruently happy in the life you’ve since made for yourself.

No one will ever truly know what goes on between two people in love aside from the pair themselves.

You want your friend to be happy again. I mean, no one likes a sad friend. But ‘happy’ is likely something that will look and feel forever different to her now. She’s lost a love. A significant love. And though they were separated by a year, she’ll now relearn the world as a world without him. Give her time.

December 14 2018, Ariana releases a song called “imagine”, it is assumed to be about Mac. Here is what I know.

Ari says herself that this song is about “about an unattainable love that is “now (and forever) unreachable.”

Mac has a big tattoo that says “IMAGINE” on his bicep:

Some of the lyrics:

Natalie Weiner, who interviewed Grande for a Billboard cover story, also wrote in her article:

“Just before this interview, she was working on a new song, which, when she plays it for me later, I realize is about Miller.”

Another thing to note, Ariana sings in an extremely high falsetto at the end of “imagine,” often referred to as “whistle tones,” which she has rarely done since hitting the same notes in “The Way,” one of her songs with Mac.

January 13 2019, Nomi wrote a piece about her and Mac:

This is the full link: https://www.shes-not-sorry.com/the-guidebook/side-hustle-nomi-leasure

but. the website is no longer live. And the waybackmachine didnt archive it.

But…I still have been able to find some bits and pieces of it:

EDIT: I’m about to post this and I decided to search ONE MORE TIME for some kind of archived version of this. And… y’all. I found it. well… I found this pin on pinterest-

Which, when I clicked the link it took me right back to the now defunct website. Disappointing but, this lil pinterest post gave me a new thing to search for. I copy/pasted the description above(with account manager and writer…” etc to see if google would give me anything and… I found it. Heres the link, and here are the relevant excerpts:

We’d love to touch on your past relationships and how they’ve affected your creative and professional life. How do you think they’ve shaped you into who you are today?

There’s one relationship I’m going to focus on here. I wrote about it for years, and I continue to.

It was a massive source of inspiration, but at the time of writing about that relationship, I wasn’t writing because I needed inspiration. I was writing because I was trying to figure it out, to get through something, or to emotionally understand something. The goal of my writing (I think this should always be the goal) is just to be honest, to live in the moment, and to write as honestly as possible. It’s going to be healing and cathartic for you. And it’s likely going to be interesting for other people too.

I don’t think you have to embellish or exploit anything. That particular relationship lasted so long (it started when I was 18 and went well into my 20s), so the beginnings have those intense, profound, young love emotions.

I always wrote. I always kept a journal. I started a blog because my hand would cramp when I was writing in my journal. My ex encouraged me to make my blog public, to put it out into the world. A lot of young people were interested in it and found value or entertainment in it. Looking back, I’m grateful that that person always encouraged my creative pursuits, always believed in them.

He was one of my early champions.

Love is an endless well of shit to talk about. When you’re talking about love, you’re also talking about pain. Love doesn’t exist without pain. The differences are just how extreme each end is. In my current relationship there’s love and pain, but the pain is less extreme than that previous one. It’s more of a healthy, consistent thing. My past relationship was filled with extreme adventure, excitement, romance, sexual attraction… But also extreme jealousy, fear, pain, insecurity. When you’re emotionally going through extremes, you’ve got more juice to write about. You’re lifting heavier weight when you’re writing because you’re feeling things that are more extreme.

There was a lot of distance in the relationship, and when you’re not spending time with the person, you explore the relationship in different ways i.e. by writing about it. He also did that through his creative outlets—he essentially did the same thing in his own medium.

What is one major lesson you have learned through that previous relationship that made you approach the current one differently?

That honesty and trust are essential. That’s not so sexy or super interesting. I didn’t really care about it much in the past—I thought it was all about being fun, engaging, attractive… Stuff that was good to write about. But trust and honesty are so important. I didn’t have much of that in my previous relationships. After that relationship ended, I swore to myself that in all future relationships I’d be 100% honest, because it’s a burden when you’re not. When you’re not honest about what you’re doing or thinking, it’s shit you have to carry and keep straight. It weighs on you. I don’t have the energy to do that anymore.

So all of that digging.. and its really nothing we didnt already know… haaaaa… im fine its Fine

Jan 19 2019 Ariana tweets on Macs birthday:

Fenruary 8 2019: thank u, next – the album – comes out. The song “ghostin” released here is most likely about Pete and Mac and how the relationship with Pete crumbled.

Authors note: this song… ive never heard it before but reading the lyrics made me so so sad for her. Like. Idk. the song is very plainly about a girl being in a relationship with someone, while loving and yearning for someone else. it feels very much like a reference to her being with pete while dealing with the love and loss of mac. the title of the song could also be considered a double entendre. she also said she begged her manager to take it off the album, and she refused to sing it on tour, begged manager to remove it from album..per Ariana:

‘It was a lot. It was too much, actually. I was literally begging Scooter [Braun] to take it off. And he was like, “You’re thinking too hard now. This is special and you should share it with everybody”.

Some lyrics:

Another song released with this album is “in my head“, which also feels like it might be about Mac, some lyrics:

If what Nomi said is true about Mac being the one to end things,, this last line makes a lot of sense. The chorus also sings about how she “never thought you’d leave me”, and as we see in the pete davidson deep dive, he repeatedly tells the world that she dumped him. a lot of people think this song is about pete, but i dont see it. But again, who knows.

In February, the Grammies are happening. February 10 2019.

Mac was up for a grammy for his album, Swimming. It was his first grammy nomination. He was up against a few people. Cardi B won. As soon as Cardi B’s name was called, Ariana starts tweeting:

Basically, she was (understandably) angry that the recording academy went out of the way to invite mac’s still mourning parents if he wasnt going to win. She says his mom Karen was going to have a suit made for the event. says mac slept in the studio for 2 months straight recording the album.

And throughout this whole process I’ve had a lot of contradictary back and forth thoughts about Ariana but here, my heart hurts for her. She tweeted those angry tweets reactively as soon as mac lost, it seems clear her intention was to bash the recording academy (not cardi, who won).

But as soon as people started to say she was dissing cardi she deleted the tweets and denied they were about Cardi, said it had nothing to do with her. then someone comments about her deleting those tweets and she tweets “THEY INVITED HIS PARENTS OUT. NO” … to which, that is where my heart hurt for her. 26 year old ari reacting emotionally, probably crying real tears as she sent this one. just hurts to see it.

Also. Nomi tweeted this to E News when they reported on Ariana’s venting:

In July 2019, Ariana does an interview and talks about the thank u, next album, as well as Mac. The interviewer has several moments where they have to stop because Ariana burst into tears and then began over-apologizing for doing so. You can read the full interview here, and I’ll go ahead and give the main takeaways:

When asked about the weeks and months following Macs death, her grieving, & how she wrote ‘thank u next’(the album):
”“It’s pretty all-consuming,” she says of her grief over Miller. “By no means was what we had perfect, but, like, fuck. He was the best person ever, and he didn’t deserve the demons he had. I was the glue for such a long time, and I found myself becoming . . . less and less sticky. The pieces just started to float away.””

and

”If I’m completely honest, I don’t remember those months [writing the album] of my life because I was (a) so drunk and (b) so sad. I don’t really remember how it started or how it finished, or how all of a sudden there were 10 songs on the board. I think that this is the first album … and also the first year of my life where I’m realizing that I can no longer put off spending time with myself, just as me.

I’ve been boo’d up my entire adult life. I’ve always had someone to say goodnight to.”

When she is asked whether it is fair to call Thank U, Next a response to Miller’s death, the tears return, along with the reciprocal apologies. They eventually talk about her response after Macs hit-and-run, the notes app she posted referring to having to babysit him etc. Of this, she says:
”“People don’t see any of the real stuff that happens, so they are loud about what they think happened,”

“They didn’t see the years of work and fighting and trying, or the love and exhaustion. That tweet came from a place of complete defeat, and you have no idea how many times I warned him that that would happen and fought that fight, for how many years of our friendship, of our relationship.

You have no idea so you’re not allowed to pull that card, because you don’t fucking know. That’s where that came from.”

I think I’m done here. But I’m probably not. I’m sure there are things floating around that I’ve missed. I’ll update this as much as I need to. But for today, February 2 2022, I’m done here.

UPDATE: On February 24, 2022, Nomi wrote a Part 6 to her Mac break up series.

The last time Nomi made a “The Art of Healing” post was when she wrote The Art of Healing Part V: Return on August 28, 2018, when she wrote about meeting up with Mac recently, post-Ariana.

This was written about a week before he passed away.

A few weeks after this deep dive was published…. on February 24, 2022, Nomi wrote another one.

I’m going to post a summary of it as well as the link to the full post below for those interested –

The Art of Healing Part VI: Lay to Rest

Do you ever notice how Happy Birthday sounds like a mourning song? (sidenote: heres a link to the Mac Miller song and lyrics – although I think shes talking about the actual HBD song here)

In its original conception, it was meant to lilt at the upper advantages of your range, pirouetting across the scales in G Major.

Our self-consciousness has added a lower harmony; a comfortable register for those who can’t quite leave their seats.

And now it just sounds so damn depressing, drunkenly dragging its feet through the buttercream frosting and melted ice cubes.

Happy birthday to you. Womp.

….

I make an aggravating effort now to sing happy birthday in its highest key; to set the pitch before the flaming candles turn the corner,So that everyone can buddy system with their proper octave.But it’s no use. We are creatures of comfort.

You would laugh at this observation. You would sing high. You’d spin the whole thing out into a sketch and get the whole place harmonizing. I thought about that last night, on what would have been your 30th birthday.

Happy Birthday is a mourning song.

…..

You come to me in dreams.

The first a ravage chill that paralyzed me in fear. I had thought all ghosts were meant to be friendly and invited you into a circle of candles to say goodbye, but you weren’t ready to leave.

In another I was confused and elated by your presence: But I shoveled dirt onto your casket. To which you simply replied: “I am not in the box.”

You are not in the box.

You are now everywhere.

But weren’t you always?

Aren’t we always everywhere in the lives of our loved ones?

Don’t we occupy so much space?

We are beyond our corporal boundaries; we reach, we touch, we dare to mean something to someone.

How awfully powerful is that?

And now a millennium of happy birthdays to be sung into the ether. A streaming chorus of notes marching from your piano keys into the end of time. You will outlive us all.

Where does that part of you go that was so loved when the lover crosses over? Does the love remain?

…

So strange to be surrounded by the future; to be in that younger self’s distant imaginings.

She feels so near to now. She is always close at hand.

Then, too, someone sits hauntingly ten years along the path, waiting for us to arrive.

Will we arrive? Who will we be? Who will have been lost, spared, brought along?

….

We stay looking for clues that it all really happened; that we were real back then, too.

You taught me:

Life is meant to be magic. If I’m sure of nothing else it’s that life is meant to be magic, that it can be.

That it’s always the ones you never suspect.

That love finds you like a stray cat, purring around your ankles skulking from some unseen and mysterious place.

That we are merely the accumulation of our most vulnerable moments.

That being seen is the most urgent of human needs.

That fear is the necessary ancestor of courage.

That our histories constantly rewrite themselves.

That through the mist of time passed we’ll never see anything for what it truly was.

That stories and songs are maybe our clearest glimpse of what is real, for art is ‘where the most complex human truths are told.’

Blow out the candle if you’re here; play our song; hide the book; send a breeze.

….

I had built a sense of truth rooted in one infallible fact: That I was to always be loved by you.

And so the love stays.

_______________________________

Here is the link to the post

Cryin in th club rn cuz after reading everything she wrote, after burying myself in their relationship for however many days,,,its so beautiful to get a new addition to the collection of art shes created about him.

My final thoughts on Ariana after all of this:

I honestly never really cared much about Ariana, didnt dislike her but didnt ever listen to her music, not even the thank u next, 7 rings era.

and i will admit… as someone who listened to mac miller obsessively before he ever even released an album, back when he had mixtapes only, i was a huge fan. I remember my junior year of high school, 2011 or 2012, i had his tweet notifications being texted to my phone, just … a huge fan, always was.

so i will admit that i actually had some resentment towards ariana because when he died… and i saw all the tabloids calling him “ariana grandes ex”, …. and me, being someone who never listened to her, yeah that pissed me off.

but after doing this extensive deep dive on pete, and of course ariana and mac, i really do feel for her. some of the interviews i read, like the vogue one from july 2019, really struck me. For being so young, she really dealt with a lot of shit no one ever wishes on anybody else.

Can you imagine an event that you were performing at and created, and hosted, becoming a bombing event… with many people who adore and support you, young kids, now dead? and 15 months later, your ex, the one you were dating like 4 months ago, he ODs and passes away. like. the fact she has pushed through all of these crazy horrible things and pushed through her music career is really impressive and speaks a lot about her as a person. i respect her way more now even if i still dont listen to her music myself.

Now that we have covered all of the above…

I want to fill the space below with a few of my favorite things Mac has said/done, as well as some other Ariana/Mac/Nomi related things that didnt really have a place in this timeline.

Starting with On October 27, 2016, Mac sold out an extremely famous venue in Milwaukee called The Rave/Eagles Club.

For the third time.

He is one of the few artists invited to sign the walls of their haunted swimming pool. This is what he wrote:

It reads:

“I Am Mac Miller.

I once lived, now I am dead.

My soul remains here.

Enjoy…

P.S. I sold this place out 3 times.”

Gives me so many goosebumps, so many emotions reading it now.

And this has always been really enjoyable to watch. An amazingly executed takedown of Donald Trump that he did in March 2016. Its only like, 3 minutes long, please watch if you’ve never seen it, its so good:

I will be updating this post with more as I continue to remember and reflect on him, and on this whole timeline. I just now…. how many days in am i? I just now, after about… a solid 3-4 weeks of collecting sources, links, dates and screenshots….

I just now realized that I ended up doing an extensive timeline of Mac’s entire dating history. I didn’t intend to do this originally, but I’m really, really happy that I did. Because in a weird way, doing this has given me a feeling of closure that I didnt have before when thinking of Mac and his too-soon passing. Maybe it’ll give someone else who reads this and has always been a fan .. maybe itll give you a bit of closure too.

This reddit thread has a lot of cute tweets Nomi made in the past about Mac, or with Mac in them. Some of my faves:

Also. I fell down a weirrrrdddd rabbit hole the other day when writing this.

Apparently Ariana regularly DMed/Dms “tea” accounts on twitter and instagram and asks them to remove things, invites them to her shows and gives them meet and greets. Some links:

https://untitiedchaos.tumblr.com/post/190755932726/popcrave-is-100-lying-if-they-are-dming-you

https://untitiedchaos.tumblr.com/post/190757590817/ariana-using-popcrave-to-help-her-not-get-dragged

This tumblr acct in general has a lot of video evidence of it, screenshots, voice recordings of her, etc. Kind of wild. Surprised me. https://untitiedchaos.tumblr.com/

IDK. Once i found that I was like.. I cant click out of these tabs until I have it documented somewhere. So. There it is. Thats all for now. Night everyone.